Monday, July 17, 2017

This Title Is Merely A Wind-Cheating Fairing That Offers No Actual Protection

Happy Monday!  Say hello to our old friend Bret, spotted by a reader in Brooklyn:


At this point he is officially inside the DNA of cycling.

Speaking of people who wear yellow, despite all my wisecracks about the Tour de France I'd probably be watching if only I have the time.  Alas, I do not, so at this point if I've got a couple hours it's either watch the Tour or go ride a bike, and obviously given the choice i'm going to opt for the latter.  Still, I like to scan the results, and I see that over the weekend Chris Froome managed to close a monster gap after a wheel change:


Froome was 45 seconds behind his rivals at one point but managed to close the gap with a huge effort and some vital help from his teammate, including Mikel Landa, who dropped back to ensure Froome was back on before the top of the climb. Froome later suggested he had suffered a broken spoke in his wheel. It could have cost him the race.

So at this point it's safe to assume he was tired, feigned a "broken spoke," and received one of those electromagnetic wheels from his teammate, yes?

Sure he did.

Hey, there are some pretty sleek and unobtrusive settings out there:



Now who's being naive?

Meanwhile the supervillain in charge of Team Sky has gone Full Trump with the media:


When Ryan asked Brailsford what parts of the piece before the Tour de France he considered inaccurate, Brailsford replied: "I'm not getting into that. It was opinion, you write shit.

“We make ourselves available, we answer all the questions and you write this shit.”

The heated exchanged continued. Ryan suggested that the only other person to act like this (with the media) was Bruyneel when he barred Sporza at the 2009 Tour de France.

Brailsford replied: “Are you accusing me of running a doping programme as well?”

Ryan said: “Well, UK Anti-Doping are investigating that...”

At that point Brailsford said, “You can stick it up your arse” and walked off.

I'm assuming "You can stick it up your arse" is Brailsford confirming the doping program, which must involve administering HGH suppositories.

In other technology news, mountain biking now "requires" more gizmos than a rider can operate at one time, and to that end we now have the "Kill Switch:"



“Let me show you how it works.  The Kill Switch is mounted between the dropper post and the rear shock.  Before climbing just raise your saddle and Kill Switch will lock your shock.  When ready to descend, drop your saddle, and Kill Switch will unlock your shock."


Between the inherent phallocentrism of mountain biking and the direction he's pointing it's difficult to tell whether he's talking about the Kill Switch or his bro's perineum.

Because the perineum is also located between the "dropper post" and the "rear shock."

Medically speaking, of course.

"Now we’re ready to ride faster and smoother.”


He then points to another bro descending a smooth and gentle grade you'd never be able to ride on a regular bicycle:


At this rate here's your mountain bike in ten years:


Lastly, Outside ran my latest column last Friday, and once again I couldn't resist browsing the comments on their Facebook:


The latest issue of the magazine may contain thrilling stories of avalanches and near-death experiences:


Yet oddly a surprising number of Outside readers seem horrified at the prospect of a woman piloting a bakfiets full of children through the mean streets of Portland, OR:

Jason Melchior That just looks irresponsible. But hey...I'm not a complete cyclist.

Michael L. McClung Stupid and dangerous for kids when these people ride those contraptions in traffic.

James Keith Mowdy Potential serious injury.

I bet they all shop at Best Made.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

top step

Early Bird said...

Podium from madison

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

At least some people commute to work with their bikes said...

There were 10 times more comments on your Tour de France article than on your utility biking article, so mostly "Outside" tourists care very little about using a bike for practical purposes. When I go to the grocery store to pick up a few groceries on my bike, I am almost always the only one doing so.

N/A said...

This "you're not a complete cyclist unless..." is bullshit, regardless of what criteria follows it.


Not bashing on your article, Wildcat, it was as good as usual.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha, Brailsford... you've got a dirty, dirty team of dopers. And your reactions are a tell of your guilt.

theEel said...

weed.

Anonymous said...

Chamois butt'r

FR8 said...


Rode "The Truck" to the library to return some books; meandered around the 'hood taking in a gravel road as a detour. It was a gift (of time) though not as great a gift as an avalanche apparently.

N/A said...

Wildcat, sorry, I had forgotten that you used the phrase in your article. Yes, I can detect your hyperbole. I thought it was just another tweet along the lines of "you're doing X wrong..."

bad boy of the south said...

#whatcontraptionareyourunning.

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase: Trump "Russians, we got no stinking Russians", Brailsford "Dopers, we got no stinking Dopers". Wonder if there are any other similarities?

JLRB said...

I would have posted earlier but I broke a spoke

Old Timer said...

Huh? What?

Anonymous said...

Anyone know what happened to that BLOG "Lovely Bicycle"? Stopped posting?

Max Schlachter said...

RE: Utility cycling. My local grocery store recently closed so I now have to ride a whole extra mile(!) to get vittles and such. Being a sucker for a deal I purchased two large containers of kitty litter instead of just one. As I was loading up my bike a fellow passing by exclaimed "Look at that cracker!" At first I was taken aback a bit, and then I realized that he was totally right. Look at that idiot with 30 pounds of kitty litter on a bike. I maintain that the indignity was worth the $2.50 I saved by doubling down on kitty litter.

Pist Off said...

Snob, your cycling truths are wasted on Outside's readers, who could all write weekly columns titled "The Self-Importance of Useful Consumerism." Bikes are fitness toys or a hobby at best to these adventurous outdoorsy folk and their empty SUVs with bike racks. Denver is lousy with the type. Car-based culture is an unconscious default in the western US.

Name said...

Ryan said: “Well, UK Anti-Doping are investigating that...”

Priceless. This Brailsfords guy turned out to be a really big a*hole.

dancesonpedals said...

You're not a complete cyclist until you have the Madonna del Ghisallo tattooed on your left nut*








*Ladies may take a pass.

janinedm said...

All this reminds me of a vision that haunts me, from about 5 years ago. I was traveling north on CPW in the bike lane, when I came across a Subaru with all of its doors all the way open on the bike lane. Of course it was a guy in full kit loading his bike onto a rack.

leroy said...

Dear Mr. BSNYC -

My dog wants me to tell you that he's sorry you can't dream big and he's sorry you don't believe in miracles.

But I'm beginning to suspect he's just messing with me.

BamaPhred said...

I better stick with "Scranus" and good call on the wheel, Sir Snob.

Dooth said...

Does Whole Foods stock Mr T cereal?

Hee Haw the barista's dirtbag cousin Melvin said...

Outside readership is generally not outside very much.

The King of Park Slope said...

@Dooth

Steel cut Mx Chai Muesli

Garden Veggies said...

Dunno if you have already seen this or not, but thought you might enjoy this video of a LA Times writer's bike commute in LA. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D02DpFB1oV4

Flyover Bike Commuter said...

Outside; when you need a fix of vicarious consumerism.

Drock said...

More kill switches please just not on the bikes

Pee Wee Danger said...

Never before realized what a striking resemblance there is between Pee Wee and Carlos Danger.

Anonymous said...

Elect and ass, expect to see some shit

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 12:43 — Until she decides to blog again, you can follow along at https://www.instagram.com/lovelybicycle/

Heni Herbal said...

The passion for this Monday as it was presented with the latest information thanks .
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Kumar said...

Nice one,thought raised after a long time. Fun to experience again, cool

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